It's really not that hard, you see dee why dee ex equals

"I just don't think we could have just lucked out to have the tides go in, the tides go out."

--Bill O'reilly on why he believes in God

So Bill, you think Yaweh controls the tides. The tides are caused by the gravity from Luna. The side of Earth closest to Luna is attracted more strongly, causing Earth to bulge and the oceans to swell. If God thought this up he could have done a better job, since the force causes Luna to recede and the Earth's rotation to slow down. Maybe that's how those first days were so long, He kept the Earth in a box and wouldn't let it spin.

How Luna got there is also has a simple explanation. It didn't come from Yaweh. It came from Earth colliding with a giant asteroid. What's so hard to understand about that? I mean, did you think Armageddon was over your head? It's okay if you thought that about Deep Impact because I'm pretty sure that was someones Phd thesis.* Okay, maybe you think we can't explain where the thing that hit Earth came from. But it was from the same place as everything else in the solar system. You, me, the cow you murdered for dinner, the subsidized corn it was raised on, and Sol that started the whole thing, came from a collapsing molecular cloud, and supernova expelling matter into our solar system. Do you really need me to explain how the elements up to iron are formed inside a star, and the elements after that formed in the explosion after iron starts fusing?

Isn't it much more rewarding to know all that than just say, "God did it." God did a lot of things. It's called the Crusades, the Inquisition, and the Salem witch trials. No, I'm just kidding. Humans did all those. I think it's time humans stand up, and take credit for the violent, territorial, tool-using, brilliant mammals that they are. Don't ever forget, like you could if you wanted, that we all start out looking for mommy's titty and pooping in our pants.

We may be children of the stars, but only in a literal sense. We will be killed by the stars too. Even if somehow we conquered death, eventually Sol will grow and cover Earth. That is the real dangerous global climate change. Not even Yaweh ever threatened to do that, he just flooded Earth and drowned everyone, but little does he know the Dutch out smarted him by fingering dikes. Not to mention the ultimate fate of Universe if the second law of thermodynamics holds. Eventually all the energy would run out of the universe and there would be nothing left but a motionless blob, devoid of pattern. What's not to love about a cheery theory like that?

* Also I might not the best person to explain this. My physics grades in college were D, F, B for a whopping 1.33 GPA.

Change we can believe in?

I thank President Bush for ... the still waters of peace.
--Barack Obama

All I can say, President Obama, is that I'm glad you came around to our way of thinking. Just do whatever it takes! Sell arms to Iranians, cocaine to your citizens, and bullshit to the world. Nobody ever got hurt because of a cover-up. Would you really want to see Dick Cheney in jail? He makes you look so good just by sticking around. He couldn't go on Meet the Press from prison. Plus he's so old he would look pathetic going there. Don't underestimate the American people's sympathy for an old man in distress. Remember how I had to fake my assassination to get people to like me? Of course Cheney looked even more evil in that wheel chair, so maybe he would have trouble playing the sympathy card from the bottom of the deck.

Speaking of playing cards Nancy gave me a Tarot reading. Let's just say the Priestest and the Hanged Man were prominently involved. Blame it all on Pelosi. Now granted you don't want to really get rid of her. You just want to threaten her. A little like MAD. Although I funded the Pentagon to find out if there was a way around MAD, but they never could find anything. Researching it actually caused John Nash to go crazy in the past. They have instructed you on all the uses of the time machine by now haven't they? I used to love passing the days by watching myself on movie sets. Especially when we faked the moon landing. You did know I was the key grip on that, right? You should respect your elders and learn you history. Many great men, some good men, mostly retarded men have held that office before you, and all the great ones had something in common. They didn't let themselves get bullied. Not by the British, the South, the Nazis, or the Grenadans.

And if I can ask a favor could you get rid of Daniel Ortega for me. Just call it one last Contra war for old-times sake. You can say he's working with al-Qaeda. Not totally crushing the Sandinistas was the one thing that always bothered me. Maybe that's asking too much. You could at least tell Hugo Chavez to tear down a Texaco or something. Remember, nobody ever lost an election because they red-baited too much.

Next time you see 43 tell him not to mention my name in public.

Best of luck,
Ronald Reagan's reanimated corpse

P.S. What does it mean if "Reagan" is in my spell check, but "Barack" and "Obama" are not. Does this show a pernicious conservative bias in computer software?

I went to a shrink

Wow I had this dream last night that I was married to Oprah. Why was Oprah in my head? Oh yeah, that stupid grilled chicken giveaway. Apparently KFC is good for you if they put some artificial grilled flavor on skinless fried chicken. Makes sense to me! Sure, they also give you a biscuit, high fructose corn syrup flavored water, and your choice of two astronaut food side orders, at least you aren't eating something that's been breaded. So I was escorting Oprah somewhere. Anyway she disappeared pretty quickly. Somehow I started blowing up dogs then I woke up and was like, "was I just dreaming about blowing up dogs?" I hope all it means is that I was thinking of Grand Theft Auto, but got dogs confused with pedestrians, because hurting small animals is the first step to becoming a sociopath.

On Comedy

On a mathematical level, what is beauty? What is truth? What is comedy? We seek the answer objectively using the mathematics called information theory...

(Excerpted from "The Moral Order", peace be upon Claude Shannon)

Liar at the perjury?

That's like the lox guarding the penthouse. The plague on both your houses. The scotch on the rocks, Mouse.

Lover Bents a Jerk

In the land of drunks the singing man is King.

And Now by Popular Request

I did it. I'm finally going green. Save the Earth, kill yourself! Ten minutes ago, I injested a bottle of tribloxocist, nabanabalist, and hydroxone. Elmo, you were light! We have to stop consuming before we destroy the planet. Watch me cut my carbon emissions to zero. Oh shit, I forgot to buy carbon credits to offset my cremation. Oh double shit, I remember reading an article on green burials. If anyone is reading this, I didn't make a will, so this will have to do. Please use whatever is left in my bank accounts to bury me in the greenest possible way. Then take whatever is left over and use it to buy freedom for animals in zoos. Seriously, what is a zoo besides an experiment in socialism, with the zoo director as the commisar enforcing orthodoxy on the animals. You know the old saying, give a monkey a banana and it will eat for a day, let a monkey find bananas on its own and it will die of disease well before it gets sick of bananas. I also wish for my posessions to be distributed to people who need them. So please donate all my books to a library, and give the rest of my stuff to stockbrokers, they could use a handout.

Well, I guess the end isn't too far off now. Wait, these bottles don't look right. Hey, those weren't even pills, they were just empty capsules! Vegan capsules. I wonder if you can OD on carbohydrate gum?

I Get Letters

...you think by putting up videos of cool, talented people it will rub off on your idiotic...And how dare you make fun of the flu. My mother...such an astounding display of pseudo-intellectualism, I wonder if you ever even went...You will never be a millionth of the man Richard Dawkins, no a trillionth...If you want your mind to help make a worthwhile piece of art...shoot yourself in the head and let it splatter on a canvas...

Still up a Hrk

Glenn Beck thinks that he could go further
if Obama declared himself Führer
if this ain't an act
he must be a quack
with ammo inside of his furniture

Oh look...

...my mind is leaking all over the Internet.

Your Government at Work

"the spaceman assured me that all of the technology of ... space ... will be put into the doggone tankers, and there will not be one drop in Prince William Sound"

--Ted Steven (R.- His own reality)

Time to Repeat Myself

pok-ra
n.

1. How a dyslexic, Chinese person says "polka."
2. The reason I am going to have to go to rehab.
   

Geithner at Treasury?

It's like the hen munching the rice louse. The wren humping the lights out. The pen righting the right route. Suspend slinging six great grout.

Globe in a Wreck

Foxnews has a nightly new star
whose ranting has taken him far
I think it's a joke
'cause what did he smoke
to make Obama a fascist new Tsar?

Money Too

The best things in life are free
but right now I have to pee!

Fuck Pew Research Center

The Pew Research Center did a poll with the question: "Just for fun: Would you prefer to live in a place with more McDonald's or more Starbucks?" Thank you to the 22% of us who answered "no preference". If you are wondering about the group "no preference," it's true. We are an older group. In fact 34% of people 65+ said no preference. And we're not really a Conservative or Liberal group, but we are definitely not moderate! 81% of moderates answered the question compared to only 22% of Conservatives and 21% of Liberals who had no preference. Yes, the Conservatives did beat the Liberals. I blame the Libertarians for the "Conservative" category winning. Come on, Pew! You don't remember the revolution? Happily for me, a Southern transplanted West, the region I live in improved from only 19% in the South to 25% in the West. It doesn't surprise me that so many Southerners have opinions on fast food since it is indigenous to the region. The East and West tied for the most no preference. College dropouts shamed themselves. 82% of them answered this horrible question. Maybe not shockingly given this essay, people with no preference are less happy then the people who answered, but not by much.

From our country's great law tradition

  d.  The flag should never be used as wearing apparel,
      bedding, or drapery. It should never be festooned,
      drawn back, nor up, in folds, but always allowed 
      to fall free. Bunting of blue, white, and red, 
      always arranged with the blue above, the white in 
      the middle, and the red below, should be used for
      covering a speaker's desk, draping the front of 
      the platform, and for decoration in general.

(From the Flag Code)

Think. Have you seen any violations today?

On Death

...into the infinities I cast you. Man up from God, up from...

(Excerpted from "The Moral Order", ask for it at your local rare and used book store)

Nursery Crimes

Little Bo Peep sat on a stump
eating her turds of dump
out came some okra
she won playing pokra
and scared poor Mr. Gillian away
She begged for forgiveness
and Matt Lauer's glibness
kept all the wolves and mothers
from calling the bay
and curding the whey.

Money Part Blue

The best things in life are free
but what the hell would I do with bees?
I want money. It's all I want.

Robbing people give me a thrill
but that thrill don't pay my hospital bill.
Give me all your mo-uh-ney! Give it to me now!

To be or not to be it's true.
If I don't get money it's not to be for you.
I want your mo-uh-uh-ney. Give me what I want!

You don't want to that's too bad for you.
Now I'll shoot and you will turn blue!
Give the fucking mon-uh-uh-uh-ney! Now, asshole!

Your life or money! Give me all your money!
That money buddy! Not funny money!

We interupt this ground breaking blog...

...for a sports report. I promise this won't happen often. Manny Ramirez tested positive for PED, and apparently it is The End of Innocence. Really. The giant slugger who hits 40 home runs a season is on drugs? Why, I'm absolutely shocked. This has never happened before. Listen, if you could take a substance that would give you an $18 million salary at your job you would. Everybody would. The only people who should be pissed at Manny are Dodgers fans since he was dumb enough to get caught and get himself suspended. Look kids, drugs are good, they worked for Manny.

We now bring you back to your regularly scheduled strangeness. Just for reading through that we bring you Devo:

Money

(radio edit)

The best things in life are free
but what the hell would I do with bees?
I want money. It's all I want.

To be or not to be it's true.
If I don't get money it's not to be for you.
I want your mo-uh-ney. Give me what I want!

Robbing people gives me such a thrill
but that thrill don't pay my hospital bill.
Give me all your mo-uh-uh-ney! Give it to me now!

Your life or money! Give me all your money!
That money buddy! Not funny money!

On Abstinence

...Man versus man. Man versus nature. Man versus his nature. This is the nature of abstinence in post-fin de siècle America. The nature of man...

(Excerpted from "The Moral Order", ISBN 1404336877)

Even Not Using a Condom is Useless

Theorem. Abstinence is not 100% effective.

Proof. If a boy masturbates into a pool it could get into a girl and she could become preggers.

QED

Ode to a Beck

Foxnews has an anchor named Glenn
who thinks Guv'ment's original sin
Father Coughlin's his shtick
and nightly it's sick
how he incites Invictus's kin

Richard Dawkins doesn't Speak for Me

I'm not led by the Dawkins no no no.
The Dawkins' not led by me yay yay yay.
I don't know about you other atheists
but Richard Dawkins doesn't speak for me.

His strawmen are so unbelievable
does he think I take Aquinas for a fool?
If you want to debate an opponent
no logical fallacies will do.

Chorus

Although religions so ridiculous
it's not as simple as a teacup.
They have 'pologetics from Smyrna
and a written defense from Paul too.

Chorus

It seems so much more believable
that science can argue nice too.
The atheist on a crusade
would be better off in a zoo.

Chorus

This Hitchens' business has got to go
and while we're on Bill Maher, too.
It's such a waste for the rational
a waste for the irrational, too.

Dear Mresident Lincbama,

Thak U 4 takng eht etim owt 2 tlk 2 me. I dunt blieve u shud go on teh 2night shwo. I thank tht it nt dignfied, nd maks u luk liek periz hiltn. AT leashed we avn't sen ur vagina yt, tho we hvae senoir bitch. I men puppz. It ani't gut know wang, right? Nyway I thank it wud be mucho bettre 2 go on da Leatherman shw. My unc wunce git me 1 of em. I bets stip taking up yo tiemx. Alss the lcuk 2 ya mr. preznit. Ur teh bset und gvie Sarkzoy a nugget 4 me!

Ur 1 fan,
Bill Bennett Jr.

Go Green

Sar-an Wrap
n.

1. A thin, clingy plastic that is sold in rolls and used primarily for wrapping food.
2. A carbon offset for your face.
   

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