I did it. I'm finally going green. Save the Earth, kill yourself! Ten minutes ago, I injested a bottle of tribloxocist, nabanabalist, and hydroxone. Elmo, you were light! We have to stop consuming before we destroy the planet. Watch me cut my carbon emissions to zero. Oh shit, I forgot to buy carbon credits to offset my cremation. Oh double shit, I remember reading an article on green burials. If anyone is reading this, I didn't make a will, so this will have to do. Please use whatever is left in my bank accounts to bury me in the greenest possible way. Then take whatever is left over and use it to buy freedom for animals in zoos. Seriously, what is a zoo besides an experiment in socialism, with the zoo director as the commisar enforcing orthodoxy on the animals. You know the old saying, give a monkey a banana and it will eat for a day, let a monkey find bananas on its own and it will die of disease well before it gets sick of bananas. I also wish for my posessions to be distributed to people who need them. So please donate all my books to a library, and give the rest of my stuff to stockbrokers, they could use a handout.
Well, I guess the end isn't too far off now. Wait, these bottles don't look right. Hey, those weren't even pills, they were just empty capsules! Vegan capsules. I wonder if you can OD on carbohydrate gum?
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