Oh hey everybody...

...remember when the President made fun of the Special Olympics?

Remember back when he arrived in president?

...a broader struggle between two dramatically different systems under one, a small band of fanatics demands total obedience to an oppressive ideology, condemns women to subserviance, and marks unbelievers for murder.

--George Walker Bush, 43rd President of these United States

I agree George. And we call the other group the Democrats.

It's really not that hard, you see dee why dee ex equals

"I just don't think we could have just lucked out to have the tides go in, the tides go out."

--Bill O'reilly on why he believes in God

So Bill, you think Yaweh controls the tides. The tides are caused by the gravity from Luna. The side of Earth closest to Luna is attracted more strongly, causing Earth to bulge and the oceans to swell. If God thought this up he could have done a better job, since the force causes Luna to recede and the Earth's rotation to slow down. Maybe that's how those first days were so long, He kept the Earth in a box and wouldn't let it spin.

How Luna got there is also has a simple explanation. It didn't come from Yaweh. It came from Earth colliding with a giant asteroid. What's so hard to understand about that? I mean, did you think Armageddon was over your head? It's okay if you thought that about Deep Impact because I'm pretty sure that was someones Phd thesis.* Okay, maybe you think we can't explain where the thing that hit Earth came from. But it was from the same place as everything else in the solar system. You, me, the cow you murdered for dinner, the subsidized corn it was raised on, and Sol that started the whole thing, came from a collapsing molecular cloud, and supernova expelling matter into our solar system. Do you really need me to explain how the elements up to iron are formed inside a star, and the elements after that formed in the explosion after iron starts fusing?

Isn't it much more rewarding to know all that than just say, "God did it." God did a lot of things. It's called the Crusades, the Inquisition, and the Salem witch trials. No, I'm just kidding. Humans did all those. I think it's time humans stand up, and take credit for the violent, territorial, tool-using, brilliant mammals that they are. Don't ever forget, like you could if you wanted, that we all start out looking for mommy's titty and pooping in our pants.

We may be children of the stars, but only in a literal sense. We will be killed by the stars too. Even if somehow we conquered death, eventually Sol will grow and cover Earth. That is the real dangerous global climate change. Not even Yaweh ever threatened to do that, he just flooded Earth and drowned everyone, but little does he know the Dutch out smarted him by fingering dikes. Not to mention the ultimate fate of Universe if the second law of thermodynamics holds. Eventually all the energy would run out of the universe and there would be nothing left but a motionless blob, devoid of pattern. What's not to love about a cheery theory like that?

* Also I might not the best person to explain this. My physics grades in college were D, F, B for a whopping 1.33 GPA.

Change we can believe in?

I thank President Bush for ... the still waters of peace.
--Barack Obama

All I can say, President Obama, is that I'm glad you came around to our way of thinking. Just do whatever it takes! Sell arms to Iranians, cocaine to your citizens, and bullshit to the world. Nobody ever got hurt because of a cover-up. Would you really want to see Dick Cheney in jail? He makes you look so good just by sticking around. He couldn't go on Meet the Press from prison. Plus he's so old he would look pathetic going there. Don't underestimate the American people's sympathy for an old man in distress. Remember how I had to fake my assassination to get people to like me? Of course Cheney looked even more evil in that wheel chair, so maybe he would have trouble playing the sympathy card from the bottom of the deck.

Speaking of playing cards Nancy gave me a Tarot reading. Let's just say the Priestest and the Hanged Man were prominently involved. Blame it all on Pelosi. Now granted you don't want to really get rid of her. You just want to threaten her. A little like MAD. Although I funded the Pentagon to find out if there was a way around MAD, but they never could find anything. Researching it actually caused John Nash to go crazy in the past. They have instructed you on all the uses of the time machine by now haven't they? I used to love passing the days by watching myself on movie sets. Especially when we faked the moon landing. You did know I was the key grip on that, right? You should respect your elders and learn you history. Many great men, some good men, mostly retarded men have held that office before you, and all the great ones had something in common. They didn't let themselves get bullied. Not by the British, the South, the Nazis, or the Grenadans.

And if I can ask a favor could you get rid of Daniel Ortega for me. Just call it one last Contra war for old-times sake. You can say he's working with al-Qaeda. Not totally crushing the Sandinistas was the one thing that always bothered me. Maybe that's asking too much. You could at least tell Hugo Chavez to tear down a Texaco or something. Remember, nobody ever lost an election because they red-baited too much.

Next time you see 43 tell him not to mention my name in public.

Best of luck,
Ronald Reagan's reanimated corpse

P.S. What does it mean if "Reagan" is in my spell check, but "Barack" and "Obama" are not. Does this show a pernicious conservative bias in computer software?

I went to a shrink

Wow I had this dream last night that I was married to Oprah. Why was Oprah in my head? Oh yeah, that stupid grilled chicken giveaway. Apparently KFC is good for you if they put some artificial grilled flavor on skinless fried chicken. Makes sense to me! Sure, they also give you a biscuit, high fructose corn syrup flavored water, and your choice of two astronaut food side orders, at least you aren't eating something that's been breaded. So I was escorting Oprah somewhere. Anyway she disappeared pretty quickly. Somehow I started blowing up dogs then I woke up and was like, "was I just dreaming about blowing up dogs?" I hope all it means is that I was thinking of Grand Theft Auto, but got dogs confused with pedestrians, because hurting small animals is the first step to becoming a sociopath.

On Comedy

On a mathematical level, what is beauty? What is truth? What is comedy? We seek the answer objectively using the mathematics called information theory...

(Excerpted from "The Moral Order", peace be upon Claude Shannon)

Liar at the perjury?

That's like the lox guarding the penthouse. The plague on both your houses. The scotch on the rocks, Mouse.