Live from Not Berlin

John McCain and George Bush need to realize something. They may be short, but they are not Napoleon. Even if they were, why would we want Napoleon? Sure, the French got to worship a God for a few years, but look at all the trouble he got them into. We are surprisingly good at making up our own Gods here for a bunch of people who watch television all the time. We don't need a Sun King. We have Batman.

We do not want to be the French Empire. We want to be the Roman Empire. When I am not elected President, I will start making us act like the Roman Empire again. Think back to World War II. Half of Europe was ours. We had an atomic weapon. We were facing an enemy that was easy to hate. We could have tried to take over the world. But we didn't. Instead, we rebuilt Europe, gave Britain and France a seat on the UN Security Council so they could pretend they were relevant, and proceeded to plunder the rest of the world. This is how the Roman Empire acted. You bring the important people, or in this case countries, in with you and make them "equal" citizens. Then you steal from the less important people.

So, what is my plan? Why should you not make me Commander in Chief? Here is what I propose. Instead of invading countries with leaders that are hard to deal with, we play coup d'etat roulette. Sometimes you mess up and get an Iran. Sometimes you get lucky and get a Chile. We don't really know. But we do know what happens when we are too eager to get between groups of people who hate each other. They just end up hating us because we are in the way of their own personal struggles. Instead of trying to make democracy, we should just try to see that the repression isn't too horrible.

To this end, I will not train an army of James Bonds. You may think this army will be made up of extremely handsome men, but it won't. They stick out too much. Besides, who really is James Bond? Anyone can read lines, look cool with a gun, and make out with beautiful women. James Bond is really the stuntman. He does crazy things the actor would never do. So we will not recruit an army of stuntmen, not train them in the arts of seduction, and not set them loose in beautiful foreign locales. Because, my fellow Americans, life isn't a movie.

I am Not Barack Obama and I approve this message.

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